“Why is Bobby not listening to me? I’m just trying to help!”
I was asked this question by a parent I was working with. When her three-year-old son Bobby became frustrated, he would cry, scream and run away. This mom wanted to find out how to help him calm down without getting angry. She couldn’t understand why problems that have such “logical solutions”, could make her three-year-old so angry!
How to Help Your Child Calm Down When they are Upset
Have you ever felt this way as you watch your child throw a tantrum? You are not alone! According to Robert Plutchick, professor emeritus at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, more than 90 different emotions have been identified! Wow! Picture how many new emotions your child is experiencing on a regular basis. As a three or four-year-old, just starting to develop language, learning how to communicate these new feelings can be frustrating. Luckily, there is a way that parents can help their child process these feelings and learn how to communicate them effectively.
Unfortunately, humans aren’t born with these skills. They are taught to us through life experiences, social expectations and loads of patience! Back to the original question… “How do you help your child calm down without throwing a tantrum?”
Your child’s reactions to their emotions can be unpredictable. Sometimes they scream, cry, look the other way, come to you for a hug or push away people that are close.
So what is the answer? Your child needs TIME and a PLACE to calm down. Let’s view this situation from an adult’s point of view. Pretend that your best friend cancels your plans (that you made a month ago) at the LAST MINUTE… her sister-in-law is in town and has invited the family to brunch …. and she has to go. You already had the babysitter lined up, you were dressed and looking forward to a day out.
So what do you do? Adults seek out calming sensory activities when we feel stressed or upset – such as sipping coffee, chewing gum, going on a walk/run, putting on fragrant hand lotion or smelling essential oils. Take a deep breath in, and chug forward cause hey… it’s your best friend. Maybe, once you are calm and thinking clearly, you are able to come up with a simple solution and spend a wonderful day doing something else.
How do you teach children to take time to calm down in an age-appropriate way?
Soothing Sammy
I created a child-friendly storybook that helps explain this process to your child, in a way they will remember and implement. This “Soothing Sammy” set was created to help all young children learn safe and effective calming strategies. Sammy is a sweet Golden Retriever who teaches children a variety of sensory strategies they can use to calm down. When the children become upset, they visit Sammy at his house who lends them some items that help them calm down. In the story “Soothing Sammy” these items include: a scent to smell, a snack to crunch, a ball to squeeze and more! This teaches children practical self-soothing/calm-down techniques.
The Sammy set includes a Golden Retriever stuffed animal (plush toy) that children build their own Sammy dog house for (out of the box that the Sammy Set is delivered in). Parents learn how to identify what their child could use to calm down, adding those objects to Sammy’s house. When your child gets upset, they visit Sammy’s house and use the items to calm down.
Once you and your child have identified why they are upset, you can help them solve the problem. Talk your child through what happened, what caused them to become upset and how you can fix it together. Including your child in this conversation creates an opportunity for them to remember solutions to their problem, so they can implement it next time the situation occurs.
The Soothing Sammy set comes with an 80 page parent guide, guiding parents through these questions and offering positive parenting solutions to a variety of common situations (such as eating out in restaurants, going on long car rides, going shopping, sharing with siblings, leaving the park, waiting in a long line, etc).
The children’s book, along with Sammy the plush dog and parent guide was created to support stress-free parenting. When parents have a plan, they are more confident, able to stay positive and learn how/why their little angels are acting the way they are.
About the Author
Jeana Kinne, MA is an Early Childhood Developmental Specialist. She has worked as a parent educator, Preschool Director and Early Intervention Specialist with children with special needs. She loves working with families, providing them with solutions to common parenting concerns, resulting in stress-free parenting! Follow her blog to learn more parenting tips and strategies that support parents navigating through some of the most difficult and puzzling aspects of parenting at www.jdeducational.com
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